The Dark Pit of Suicidal Thoughts...You Aren't Alone

I don't think I've shared my past thoughts of suicide with anyone other than my husband. Even the thought of speaking those dark emotions out loud brings tremendous shame up to the surface.

But why?

It shouldn't. Suicidal thoughts can stem from many things. But mine was brought on by 10 years of abuse. Being strong for too long you reach an emotional breaking point.
Everyone does.
But maybe if we talked about it more openly, we might bring hope to those who think there is none.

I will tell you my story.

My suicidal thoughts began the last few years of my marriage. My ex husband was emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically abusive. In my story, I never, ever received an apology from him. It wouldn't have been sincere anyway.
I remember my abuser making fun of me in public, screaming, yelling, throwing things around the house, being possesive and manipulating, name calling, handcuffing me to our bed, pouring cold water on me while I was in the shower, and cornering me against a wall.
Fist drawn to my face. Veins pulsating in his neck.

I knew that day I was liable to get the crap beat out of me.

And I'll never forget what he said.
"If you ever breath a word of this (meaning the abuse), I won't have a reason not to kill you."

Now most people might say I should have called the police. Well, my case is different than most. My ex husband was a police officer. Yeah. Talk about feeling trapped.

I don't recall a lot of the abuse. My psyche has blocked it from my memory. Self preservation I'm sure. My best friend who lived in the same town as us during that time remembers though. And she has recounted events that I don't remember.

However I do remember the deep dark pit of suicidal thoughts.

The last year or so I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know how the hell I was going to escape. I kept a steak knife in the bathroom drawer. I would go into the bathroom, lock the door and sit on the floor with the knife contemplating slitting my wrists.

Occasionally, I would take his revolver in with me. Feeling the cold metal in my hands while crying uncontrollably. Contemplating putting it to my head and firing.

Two reasons I never carried it out.

1) I didn't want to put my family through that.

2) I knew God was there with me. And that He had a plan for my life.

I just had to trust Him and His timing.

The enemy will use anything he can to wear you down. To make you think there is no hope. To twist your thoughts.

But I'm living proof dear friends that you're not alone.

If you ever feel so hopeless and you need help, someone to talk to, please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:

1.800.273.8255

There is hope for tomorrow.

There was for me.

I love you all,

Anna